Yogic Journey

Yoga.

This is such a loaded word for me.

While the word “Yoga” came from the Sanskrit root word "yuj" which means "to unite or integrate", it personally brings so much more to mind.

If I think about my personal history of yoga, it takes me back to college.  My beginning.  Back to a time when I was combating depression, anxiety, body dysmorphia and disordered eating.  I used yoga to slow my mind and to tune into my body.  Yoga is about the union of a person's own consciousness and the universal consciousness.   At this time, I was only working on half of that equation; my own consciousness.  I discovered yoga out of curiosity and quickly realized what a gift it is.  I’ve always said that practicing yoga is like giving yourself a big, warm hug.  It was an extraordinary act of love at a time when I needed it most.

As time went on, my practice evolved as I did.  My practice today is filled with even more depth and virtue than ever before.  It is a devotion.  I have learned to let go of the outcome of each practice and I have accepted that I will never be a super bendy yoga master.  I can’t do a headstand and I use props.  Even so, I love my body.  I am grateful for my breath.  And I treasure my practice, more than ever.

Beyond me, “Yoga” brings to mind people that have influenced me in some way.  I’ve been able to meet some incredible human beings because of yoga.  Zoe is one of them.  I’ve mentioned her in past blogs, raving about her classes and mentioning that Angela and I were having private sessions with her.  Zoe is now onto her next adventure in Portland.  But before she left, Ang and I attended a yoga farewell “party” for her.  A group of us practiced together with Zoe’s voice leading the way and the acoustics of her friend Toby's guitar.  It was truly magical.  We enjoyed a Kava Tea Ceremony and played music afterwards.  There were so many free spirits and kind souls in one room, the energy was reverberating off the walls!  If it weren’t for yoga, what would bring this unique group of people together?

zoe.  our ray of light.

Last night’s final private session with Zoe brought tears to my eyes.  I am not a crier by nature, so this says something about the power of all that energy in one space.  My heart creaked open a little further than normal and it was cathartic.  It was hard to say good-bye to someone that has been so influential in my practice and my life, but I know that I am more enlightened today than I was when I first stepped on my mat four years ago, thanks to her.

Just like life and running, yoga is a journey.  We always say “it’s not about the destination”, right?  It’s about right now.  This moment.  Yoga has taught me to live in the present.  Consciously, Mindfully, and Compassionately.

Ahh, Yoga.  I love that word and all of the weight it carries.

When a Good Deed Goes Awry

Sometimes things don’t go quite as planned.


I had positive thoughts going into this egg donation.  I was excited for the couple that was going to bring new life into this world.  I was excited to do something I've never done before (I like to try everything once).  I know several people that have donated and I hadn't heard anything terribly scary.  These are all of the reasons I was taken by surprise when nothing went as smoothly as I imagined.

My eggs were retrieved last Saturday.  All 27 of them.  I felt great afterward.  That anesthesia is amazing.  It’s like a deliriously delicious nap. Heck, I would pay for that regularly if I could.  The pain and aggravation didn’t start until the following day.  I had cramping as expected and masked it with Vicodin and sleep.  I even went for a nice hike with Ang up at Torrey Pines.

Every day after that was progressively worse.  My pain level increased and spread throughout my body.  I was nauseous from dusk till dawn.  I could hardly eat and it was painful just to walk.  It hurt most to laugh and pee.  Oh, how I missed a peaceful pee.

I finally got into the clinic for a check-up and it turned out I had fluid in my abdominal cavity.  When the drugs stimulate the ovaries too much, the ovaries can suddenly become very swollen and fluid can leak into the belly and chest area.  This is called ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (OHSS).

They hooked me up to an IV drip and after a bag of fluids I was sent home.

I spent the next day in the hospital.

8 hours.

I had a urine test, blood test, internal ultrasound, external ultrasound, chest x-ray, EKG, CT Scan and was given another IV bag of fluids. Why, you ask? Because I had horrible chest pains for well over 24 hours. This is all standard protocol for chest pain.  I can't wait to see that bill. 

All of those tests provided me with this tidbit of information: The fluid from my ovaries not only leaked in to my abdomen but it also traveled to my chest.  Luckily, the fluids were outside of my lungs, not in them. All of this fluid causes an inflammatory response because it isn't supposed to be there.  That response is why I felt so much pain.

I am not typing all of this because I want sympathy.  Trust me, I realize there are far worse things in life.  I just want to throw the risks out there and be candid about my experience in case anyone reading is considering being an egg donor.  I am certainly not advising against it, but it’s important to be aware of the risks associated with being a donor.  OHSS happens to up to 10% of women going through these types of treatments.  I happened to be that 1 in 10 and it was not pretty.

I can’t decide what was worse, the pain and nausea or the fact that I was bed ridden for days staring at the ceiling!  I was able to fly through a few books, which was nice, but every time I stared down at my big bloated belly all I wanted to do was move my body.  To run. To walk. To do jumping jacks.  Whatever!

Today, I feel fabulous!  In fact, I think I will try running.  Marathon training for Chicago starts NOW.  I couldn’t be more excited.  I have my plan printed and I’m ready to start checking off my runs each day.  That little check mark brings me a ridiculous amount of joy.  I know I’m not alone in this.